Set your own goals, live life on your terms

I was awarded this golden rosette for completing 7 out of 3, yes you read that right, of LinkedIn's weekly tasks - a goal I didn't even know existed, but felt very smug that I had smashed.

The success had nothing to with me, of course, but I still felt pretty good about myself. Alas, the gratification was short-lived . As I become preoccupied with the goal of earning this award every week, I wondered why the good feels never stick.

Well, it turns out there's a difference between short-term gratification and long-term satisfaction...

What is gratification?

Personal goals are ones you set for yourself in order to achieve something for yourself, and if you do you get that lovely feeling of satisfaction followed by a warm sense of fulfilment - that lasts!

LinkedIn set this particular goal for me. I wasn't even aware it existed until the reward popped up in my notifications. It was LinkedIn's goal, not mine, and when I met their requirements, they shoved a dopamine hit in my face to say "You're a winner!"

It was instant gratification, and left me wanting more.

It's sad that a virtual medal serves as a dopamine hit, but what can I say? We're living in a time where we value 'thumbs up' and 'heart' icons. It's not surprising that this novelty icon had a similar, if not more potent, effect.

But what happens now if one week I don't win my virtual award? Will I feel like a loser? I tried it out, and it did indeed leave me feeling like I was falling behind.

So I have decided that now, all this medal says to me, is that I have clearly been spending too much time on the platform. It's time to set my own goals and live life on my own terms.

Self-validation

Self-validation doesn't come naturally to me. Growing up, if my mum didn't approve, I felt like I had failed or that I wasn't good enough. This was despite being the straight-A student in my family, and always being referred to as "talented".

I learned to look towards the responses of others in order to measure my achievements, so I lap it up in the virtual world we live in today. This is perfectly normal and we all do it on some level, it would be difficult not to. It feels good to be praised or feel appreciated, after all; we love to know that someone else thinks we've done well.

However...

"Relying on external validation can make us anxious or depressed." Psych Central

The big question is - if you find you're seeking approval from parents, a partner, your boss, friends, complete strangers on social media - or even from the media platform itself - hello pretty rosettes - will you question your worth when others don't demonstrate that they value what you're doing?

I know I do. I can't help it. but it's a messy cycle that destroys confidence and self-esteem, and makes it more difficult to deal with criticism from others. In the end it may make you more likely to criticise yourself too.

This isn't all doom and gloom though. There is a solution - you just have to find your 'sense of self' in order to discover that inner peace.

You can do this by validating yourself. The Merriam Webster Dictionary says self-validation is; "The feeling of having recognised, confirmed, or established one's own worthiness or legitimacy."

Okay, that doesn't sound as straightforward as you'd hoped, I know.

Satisfaction vs Gratification: What's the difference?

LinkedIn rewarded me a rosette because the platform wanted me to be more active on it, I'm not stupid, I know this. My so-called achievement benefits LinkedIn - even if, inadvertently my profile gets a nice boost by the algorithm. Maybe if I had made the goal myself, it would have been a genuinely self-validating experience, but I didn't.

This didn't stop me from feeling chuffed about "winning" the rosette though, did it? And herein lies the problem - I'm in danger of being sucked into a cycle of gratification-seeking. Suddenly a desire has been born to maintain or beat my score the following week. It's very crafty.

If I allow myself to get sucked in, I'd be entering into a contest I didn't sign up for though, in which gratification takes the place of the satisfaction I would have felt, had the initial goal been my own. This is what happens when you work to meet the goals and expectations of other people in order to feel good about yourself.

You're working hard to please them - so that you can feel pleased too. It's a heavy weight to bear.

One way of understanding the difference between these two seemingly similar things is to think of it like this:

We gratify the ego, but we satisfy the soul.

The ego actively seeks gratification from external things, all it needs is a taste and it wants more - this weighs us down.

But true growth is a longer journey, it takes work and along the way we develop our souls and sense of self, which results in a sense of freedom and we feel lifted up!

External or instant gratification isn't necessarily all bad. I'm all for easy lifts in a life that can often seem designed to pull you down under the sheer weight of it all.

Just know that these easy 'wins' are short-lived!

If you want to live life on your own terms in the long-term, try practising more self-awareness. It can help you to work on yourself and reach that true sense of fulfilment - and you won't need a virtual rosette or even a pat on the back to enjoy the feeling!

So how do I start validating myself?

Mastering self-validation is an important and empowering skill.

Keep these things in mind when you're looking for ways to gain self-confidence and be more self-assured|:

1. What is your goal?

The first step is to establish what your own goals are and why you have chosen them for yourself.

Look at your goals closely. Are they born from a place of insecurity or self-doubt, with an underlying aim to please other people? In this case, the goal itself becomes a source of external validation - like a badge you can wear to convince people (and yourself) that you're winning. For example - getting that job title will make people respect me - or - finding a boyfriend will make me feel whole.  

A true personal goal might look more like - I want a job I enjoy, that I'm good at, that makes me feel proud of who I am, and has a salary that allows me to live the life I want to live - or - I'd like to meet someone I'm compatible with to share life experiences.

2. Let go of needing other people's approval

Seeking other people's approval can make you feel heard, understood, and even loved and accepted - but you don't need someone else's approval to hear, understand, love and accept yourself.

The trick is to get comfortable with the fact that sometimes people aren't going to be on the same page as you - and that's okay! You don't have to let it change your direction if you believe in what's right for you.

• Acknowledge and thank them for their input

• Consider if there's anything helpful you can take from it

• If not, let it go and move forward in your own direction.

Tip: Try to avoid the temptation to explain yourself. There's no need to try and convince anyone of anything or justify your choices. Not everything has to be up for discussion.

3. Recognise your strengths. Be okay with your weaknesses

You can't be good at everything and you don't have to be. It really doesn't matter if you're not so good at one thing, because you'll always be better at something else. It's how the planet and everything on it works.

If we were all experts at everything, nobody would be an expert.

This is all about becoming comfortable in your own skin and knowing yourself. Work out what is important to you...

If you're not good at something, this could be an area to improve on - IF it aligns with your personal goals. If it doesn't , then who are you really improving yourself for?

Realign and focus your energy on getting better in the areas that matter to YOU.

4. Get comfortable saying "no"

Being able to create and maintain personal boundaries is one of the most powerful tools in your pocket when it comes to self-validation. One way of doing this is learning how to say "no".

If you're not used to doing this, I'm not going to lie, you might hate it at first. It takes true confidence to turn something or someone down, especially without feeling the need to apologise, give a reason or explain yourself.

But practice and you shall succeed.

One tip I found helpful from Psychology Today was to use the sandwich method: You put a negative between two positives.

For example, "Thank you for inviting me, that was thoughtful, I really appreciate you including me - however, I won’t be able to make it. I'd love to meet up another time though, so I’ll look at my schedule and see when we can get together for a catch up."

Saying "no" to things helps you to get a clearer sense of who you are and what's important to you.

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